Some thoughts ...

This blog post is about the recent supreme court decision to legalize gay marriage. If you don't want to read what I have to say ... that's fine ... if you don't like what I say ... that's fine too. Luckily we still have the freedom of speech so I can say what I want.

Regardless of how I feel about gay marriage, what the supreme court did was absolutely 100% wrong. They actually have no constitutional right to do what they did. They have taken the control out of the people's hands and that is not what our government was founded on.

Around the fourth of July, I always think back to that time before freedom. When the English government controlled everything we did, said, thought, or paid. Taxes upon taxes where heaped upon us, but the most interesting thing about history is that sometimes we forget what our problem with that government actually was. It wasn't about the taxes, although they spearheaded the whole thing, it was about not having representation in Parliament. They wanted a voice, and multiple times they were denied that voice.

When the war was over, they  made this beautiful and fantastic system of government that put the power of the government in the people's hands. Now I know that we have a republic, but we elect those officials to be our voice. We send them letters and tell them what we want changed, and if they are good and honest men and women they will let our voice be heard in Washington. It's a beautiful system really, and its one of a kind compared to other governments around the world.

The supreme court took the power out of the representatives and by extension our hands to choose for ourselves whether or not we want to legalize gay marriage in the United States and no matter what way you spin it, even if you see it as a good thing that they made happen, its wrong. Period. End of story, good bye, see you later. Wrong wrong wrong.

Most of the people who read this know that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (sometimes called Mormon or LDS). So you all probably know how I feel about gay marriage.

To me marriage is between a man and a woman. Marriage is more than about love, although I don't know how I would survive it without loving my husband, marriage is about bringing children into the world in a comforting and safe environment with one mom and one dad who love them.

Same sex marriage is a sin to me, and it will always be a sin.

That being said, I love sinners. Some of my dearest and most loyal friends are sinners in my eyes. My best friend left the church when she was young and as such she has chosen a different path for her life. She is the most amazing and wonderful person I know! She drinks, which according to me is a sin, but she doesn't flaunt it in my face. She doesn't call me and say "I'm so wasted" or "You should really try beer or wine sometime." We have this unspoken agreement that we don't talk about things that would make the other uncomfortable or we talk about it in a way that is friendly and non threatening. There are things in my life I'm sure she doesn't agree with and there are things in her life that I disagree with, but man I love that girl and I don't know what I would do without her!

With everything going on and all of the crap being flung, I just wanted to thank those who haven't attacked any churches whose stance on marriage hasn't changed.

The ones who change their profile pictures to the rainbow and post things like "Love won" thank you for not attacking me and my church for what we believe. Thank you for showing your happiness and pride in a way that doesn't offend those around you.

To those who post statuses attacking those who have different opinions, just know that I won't sit back and let you do this. I won't attack you, but if our friendship meant anything to you, you would be more careful about attacking a huge part of my life. I haven't attacked you for anything you have done, so stop attacking me and I'm sorry to say this, but if it continues, and with some of you it has, I will stop associating with you. I don't need my friends attacking me for what I believe especially because I would never attack you for what you believe. Period.

All seriousness aside ... I just want to let everyone know that no matter what sins you commit, and trust me, everyone does commit them, (including me!!!) I will love you. I won't support the sin, but I will love you.

And ... are you ready for this ... I'm about to blow your mind ...

Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father loves you too! Despite our sins, they love us. Unconditionally!

Isn't that kind of amazing?

Long time ...

It's been a long time since I blogged. Life got hectic and crazy, but that's not really an excuse ...

I'm not one who believes in excuses. They shouldn't exist. Excuses are a lame way of saying "I'm wrong but I have a really stupid reason to be."

So I was wrong to not blog ... I guess ...

Nothing has happened though.

I moved ...

I quit my job ...

I started up my crafting business again ...

and that's it.

Maybe I'll blog more ...

And maybe I won't ...

Whatever ...

It's my blog after all.

Say What YOU Want to Say ...

Lately I've had a hard time expressing myself. When I feel the need to speak a very loud opinion or tell someone to mind their own dang business I tend to just swallow it down and not say anything at all, especially when it comes to how I parent.

How do you tell someone that they had their shot and to leave you alone to figure things out.

How do you tell someone that your so called "baby" is not that anymore and she's turning into a tantrum throwing toddler, a fate that can be stopped if you're allowed to parent in the way you want to?

How do you tell someone that you don't mind it when the baby cries during a nap because that means she hasn't had enough sleep and you want to wait until she's making happy baby noises before going in to get her?

HOW DO YOU TELL SOMEONE TO JUST LEAVE THE PARENTING OF YOUR CHILD TO YOU?!?

I can't say what I want to say.

So I end up burying these hurtful emotions in me and I can't help but feel emotionally drained and exhausted. I'm hardly ever happy anymore because I have to suppress these unhealthy emotions.

And then ... someone tells you that if you just get your act together then you might not have to deal with it all the time like I do ...

Then you wonder if you've ever really had your act together ...

Have you ever really felt whole and complete ...

And more importantly if you have ...

Will you ever feel that way again?

Should I start to say what I want to say?

Should I be brave?

Home

Well, we finally evicted our tenant. I wish that a weight had been lifted, but it didn't really get lifted. I have to replace my once home with carpet and new paint. The only problem is that now I want to move into it again ...

What is home? I've recently been listening to a song and one of the lyrics states "Home is wherever I'm with you." I can only assume the "you" is your significant other, but Matt isn't the Matt I knew in Ephraim. I know I've gone on about this before, but I really wish that we could be on our own so that he and I could get back to those magical days of bliss. 

Don't get me wrong, we had our bad days, but most of the time, we were just so happy to be together. I miss that. 

I miss my home. Sometimes I see glimpses of it, a bright shining hope for the future, but then it disappears and I'm left unsure of what and where home is. 

To end I will quote the most heartbreaking line of the song, a sentiment I feel in my very core:

"Home, let me come home!"

My Floppy Resolutions

I think the making resolutions is the most pointless tradition of New Years Day.

People set unobtainable goals and expect them to just happen.

Here are a list of the resolutions I made last year and about when they flopped.

1. I will read my scriptures more.

I read for two days then kind of ceased all together when my faith was shattered and haven't picked them up since my move in August.

2. I will attend the temple.

Wohoo I attended twice ... for family events. Yeah, that one never had a chance to even get off the ground.

3. I will walk at least three times a week no matter what.

I had a good stint of walking in the summer, but have not gone walking more than a handful of times since August.

4. I will be financially stable.

HAHAHAHA! Where should I start ... trying to start up a stupid useless crafting business, my husband losing his job ... oh no! Here's the kicker starting school again and getting huge student loans.

5. I will get my body back.

One gall bladder surgery later and I can't seem to slim down to save my life. Apparently, my body has a mind of its own.

So this year instead of setting resolutions I can't possibly meet I will just try and be better in these areas. They are not things I have to do by the end of the year, they aren't some unattainable weight loss goal, these are things that I need to do to make myself feel more accomplished. These are things I need to do to save myself and my relationships with my family.

1. Take time for just myself. Twenty minutes or so when I don't have to listen to the baby or fight with my husband. Just twenty minutes. Whether that be once a day or once a week or if I only do it once this whole year, I will take at least a twenty minute break.

2. I will try and come closer to my Heavenly Father. This means that I won't beg for things to happen in my prayers anymore. This means that I will read my scriptures more than twice over these next 365 days. This means that I will do my best to just try harder to know him and to appreciate the things he does rather than be angry at the things I feel he doesn't do.

3. I will try harder to drink less soda and drink more water. That may not happen over night. In fact I expect my need for that one coke before work to surge in intensity rather than calm down at first, but maybe at least I can drink the same amount of coke but more water to rinse it out with.

4. I will do my best to find a reason to love my husband every day. Things have not been easy with us, especially since the horrific move and I feel like the man I knew is blocked behind a wall that I just can't tear down. So instead of trying to smash it every few days I'm just going to be grateful that for the small things, like I didn't have to remind him to kiss me today or at least he thought about having a date this week.

5. I will show and tell Ellie how much I love her. Raising her hasn't been easy, and every day I drop her off at the sitters I wish that I were just staying with her. That I could be with her in our own quiet little home in Ephraim cuddled close, listening to our chickens and playing our little mommy baby games, but instead of mourning the past I will spend every moment I can spend showing her that I love her. I will let her play with my expensive things, because even if they break, they should never mean more to me than her. I will let her stick her fingers in my mouth even thought I want to scream every time she does it. I will drop whatever stupid crafting project I am doing and run around the room letting her chase me, because she's only going to want to play this game for awhile, and one day she won't want to play with me at all. I will whisper how much I love her when I lay her down to sleep every night. I will shout it to her from my car when I pull in from work. I will hold her for as long as I can, because soon she will be too big to hold. She is the most amazing gift anyone has given me and I need to show my Heavenly Father how grateful I am to have her.

6. I will try hard to accept the fact that I may not have a baby this year. I will not cry when Matt doesn't get a job at Hill and I fully realize that my dream of having a son will not be. I will not get angry when I see others with their two beautiful children and envy how happy they all seem. I will not be bitter that I can't afford the one thing I desperately want. I will be strong and happy with the child I have, and she will be enough.

7. I will get through this schooling. I may not get A's, but I will pass and I will come closer to knowing what I want to do with the rest of my adult life.

8. I will try to be happy, even when I am sad.

9. I will treat every day as if it were a brand new start and not a continuation of a crappy week.

and last

10. I will try and love myself more than I loved myself this last year. I will try and not get down on myself. I will try my best not to be sad and desolate. I will try not to stress myself out with petty beliefs that I'm obviously not doing things right. I will try and be easier on myself, because if I can't give myself a break every once and awhile, then nothing else on this list matters.

My Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a princess. She wasn't the most fair or gentle princess. Multiple times in her life she had found love only to lose it to a prettier more fragile princess who would give selfish princes whatever they want.

She wasted her time for years over a prince she had lost. A prince she had believed was perfect, and she cried every night over her lost prince.

Then one day a new prince came and rescued the princess from her tower of depression and inadequacy. He swept her away to his beautiful palace in his fair kingdom, far from the cruelties of her world and while there, he gave her the most beautiful baby girl in all of the world.

Then one day, the prince lost his job and they were swept back into that cruel and vicious world. The prince was working close to twelve hours a day. The princess was fighting to keep her sanity in her job while she was away from her little princess and her prince.

Then the prince was hired on full time and they rejoiced, until they read the fine print. He would be switching to a shift where she would never see him again.

The princess didn't really believe in praying at this point. She had already lost so much, but she cried that night in prayer and begged that her prince would get a different job. She begged that her prince wouldn't be taken away.

This is my fairy tale, it isn't elaborate and it doesn't end happily, but it is my reality.

I've already lost so much, now I have to lose him too.

Thanksgiving

I'm not one to post this huge long status on Thanksgiving about what I'm thankful for. I realize that it is a day to recognize that, but its hard to be positive when we lost so much this year.

Matt lost his job and as such, we lost our beautiful little house in Ephraim, our chickens, my ability to stay home, our wonderful ward and the ability to be close to one of my best friends.

I know I need to be more positive though. So here are five things I am grateful for.

I am grateful for my wonderful husband who has helped me through the good and bad.

I am grateful for my beautiful daughter who brings light and joy to my life.

I am grateful that I am not homeless. While I may not like the circumstances I'm living in I am grateful I'm not on the street.

I am grateful for two steady jobs that keep Matt and I steady and gives us our much needed income.

Interesting ... I can't seem to type a last thing ...

Maybe its because I'm not so sure about the last thing. 

I was going to say that I'm grateful for the gospel, but recently its been so hard for me to get to church. I've been mourning the loss of my last ward who was the best ward I have ever had. I miss that ward every Sunday.

I guess I should just say that I'm grateful for my savior, because I'm pretty sure that he is the only person who knows exactly what I am going through, and for some reason ... that is the only thing that gives me solace.

So Happy Turkey Day everyone.